Eclipsed By Glory

Lately

2011-08-14T13:47:00.000-07:00

So much joy in the past months. Finally getting to be with the one I love every day. Moving forward instead of standing still. And yet, I struggle. I've always told myself that I am a creature of habit. That I simply crave routine for the sense of security it gave me. But as days go by with a new routine, I find that what I always thought about my needs for routine were wrong. I was comfortable. Life was not always happy or perfect, but in many ways it was easy. I knew my place and what others expected of me. I felt needed and necessary. My life moved along at a pace that I chose. It was all. about. me.

Now, I'm in a new place, with new faces, a new job, and a whole new set of emotions. In that process, I feel that I have been exposed to myself and everyone around me for what I really am. I left behind dear friends, and now in this new place I feel like I'm imposing. Asking people to scoot over, make room for the new girl. My life is much simpler. I watch David loving every minute of his new ministry. I see his success and joy. I watch my friends go on with life without me in it. And I wonder...God, do You have a plan for me? I find myself not longing for a routine, but instead longing for a place. Where do I fit? How do I belong? And yet, I am pierced when I realize that nowhere in those thoughts am I really thinking of how I love others- rather, it's how others love me. I want those questions answered so I feel like I'm important. It's still all. about. me. My sin and ugliness is exposed. It's as if, in the monotony of my routine, I realize I had found ways to consistently cover up all my pride and self-absorption. And in this new place, it is wide open, exposed to me and everyone else. All of my selfishness, pride, and self-serving actions brought out for what they really are. And in the midst of this exposure, I realize that people love me so much better than I love them- especially those I love the most.

Grace is such a beautiful thing. And God's timing ever so perfect. As I battle through this, I have other loved ones who are struggling through the same things- what a ministry they have been to me. Especially my sweet cousin Julie, who is battling with illness while serving with her husband and two young children as missionaries in South Asia. Even though our circumstances are very different, God consistently speaks to me through her honesty and openness about where she is and how she's struggling. Our battles are so similar, and Her words and encouragement have been balm for my heart. There is hope for this ugliness...I am loved in spite of it. David has been beyond wonderful. He works to make me feel included and valuable, and loves me even in the midst of my ugliest of ugly moments. So in all of this brokenness, I'm beginning to have hope. God will use me and He will heal my heart in the process. This breaking down is not forever and it is for my good- I will love Him, David, my family, and those who I minister to better on the other side of this.

I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy!

2011-06-11T06:37:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been so happy and blessed, you felt like you could explode with joy? I have...in fact, I DO! There are so many things coming together in my life right now that I honestly thought would NEVER, EVER come together. You know that passage in Ephesians where it talks about God doing "immeasurably more than you could ask or imagine"? Well, that's what I feel like is happening in my life right now. Great, right?! So why am I struggling with enjoying it?

A long time ago, I published this quote on my blog:

The New Testament has lots to say about self-denial, but not about self-denial as an end in itself. We are told to deny ourselves and to take up our crosses in order that we may follow Christ; and nearly every description of what we shall ultimately find if we do so contains an appeal to desire. If there lurks in most modern minds the notion that to desire our own good and earnestly to hope for the enjoyment of it is a bad thing, I submit that this notion has crept in from Kant and the Stoics and is no part of the Christian faith. Indeed, if we consider the unblushing promises of reward and the staggering nature of the rewards promised in the Gospels, it would seem that Our Lord finds our desires, not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.

~C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory

I love that quote. I published it because it's so true- at least, for me it is. I find that in the midst of all this joy, I find that I struggle with feeling like it's wrong for me to be excited about my life. I told some dear friends of mine that I can't seem to be happy because it's never worked out before and I find myself constantly worrying and waiting for everything to fall apart. Beyond that, I struggle with constant feelings of unworthiness. Why is my life so blessed right now when so many people I care about are going through heartbreak, sorrow, and loneliness? I'm not perfect- at all- so why me? Ugh, it's times like these that I know I'm a woman because I'm pretty sure guys just DON'T worry about stuff like this... So what's my take away in all of this? I'm not finished struggling. In fact, it's a day to day, moment by moment battle. BUT- two things stand out...

First, I'm never ever worthy. No matter how good I am, there's nothing that makes me worthy of God's favor. Rahab was a big time screw up...prostitute, liar, etc... But God redeemed her, gave her a new chance, and allowed her to be in the line of CHRIST. Why? Not because Rahab cleaned up her life and started living perfectly- but because that's how God works. It's not about me. It's about Christ in me. God's love doesn't operate by "the better you live, the more blessed you are." Maybe God's blessing me now to help me understand that it's not about how good I am, rather it's about how good He is to me...even when I don't deserve it.

The second point is actually a question: What am I doing to honor God with these blessings? If God's worked things out for me in this way, how am I honoring Him both in the midst of this and in the time after?

Like I said before, I don't really have all of the answers now. It's still a daily battle...but I want to honor God with these times. I want to glorify Him. I want to look back over this time with others and say "only God could have do, worked things out like that." He is so good to us, not because of what we do, but in spite of it.

"Church People" and Other Mysteries

2011-03-23T04:58:00.000-07:00

I grew up in church and around "church people". In fact, I am the child of someone who chose full-time ministry as a career. That's right, I grew up in a bubble where my actions, attitudes, and spiritual walk were constantly held up to a measuring stick- and let me tell you, people were quick to take note when I screwed up. You would think that this would give me an angry or jaded point of view on ministry and church people- and at one time, that would have been right. Thankfully, despite some really bad experiences, I've had an equal or greater share of positive experiences with church and the people who work in them. But, when talking to people about church and ministry, I often come across the same set of excuses for why church and hanging out with "church people" is not for them. So, in the great tradition I have of making lists on this blog, I give you....a list of reasons/excuses people have given me for not going to and/or getting involved in church (I know, I know. I tried to think of a catchy title, but this is all I can come up with. Suggestions are welcome.)

1. People who go to church have their crap "together"- Um, no. Some of the most screwed up people I've come across in my 30 years on this earth are people who are Christians. Church is for the broken, not the healed (btw- none of us are "healed"). If you walk into a church and you don't feel free to be real with people about who you are and what you're struggling with, turn around and walk out. Seriously. But don't walk home, walk to another church. And another, and another...until you find a church where it's okay to be messed up. Because it's out there.

2. Someone in a church hurt me, and Christians aren't supposed to do that.- Again, I grew up in ministry- in fact, I've been deeply involved in ministry myself- working with and for churches. I'm pretty familiar with how it feels to be hurt and disappointed by someone you at one time spiritually respected. Truth be told, the people who have hurt me the most are people who are Christians- not because they're terrible people, but because being a Christian doesn't make us holy overnight. I am just as capable of saying the wrong thing and being a jerk as I ever was...the only difference is that I'm forgiven and have freedom from those bad attitudes. You're right, church is a place where you should never feel like you're being judged by standards you don't understand, agree with, or know existed. And people in church shouldn't be sneaky, underhanded, or liars. But there are sinful, fallen, screwed up people everywhere- and the church is definitely not immune to it. As my pastor says, being a Christian doesn't make you not a jerk- in fact, for some people, being a Christian is license to be a jerk in the name of GOD! Seriously though, you should feel free to be a work in progress. But also remember, the person who hurt you is a work in progress too- and if you don't like them expecting perfection from you, don't expect perfection from them.

3. I go to church, but I still have problems. In fact, they're worse!- Nope, that's not how church works. Life still happens, and things NEVER go according to plan. Running to God only when there's a problem is similar to being "friends" with that person that only talks to you when they're not in a relationship. Not cool- and God never promised to be "Mr. Fix-It-All the Holy Handyman!". He did promise to be with you and to not change or leave your side. I can't tell you how many times God made His presence and provision known in my life at just the right time. I have to say that I had to choose to either be ruled by my circumstances or to allow God to rule over my circumstances. Also, there are precious people in my life that have blessed me beyond measure that I wouldn't even know if it wasn't for situations I thought were un-redeemable. I'm so glad God is all about the big-picture.

4. Church is nice, but I the people are weird.- Oh yeah, church is definitely a breeding ground for some odd birds! I've been stuck in places where I was like "Everyone here is weird- or am I weird and everyone else is normal?" Don't answer that question. All I can say is, if you really feel like you don't fit in, seek out the "normal" people and spend your time with them (normal people are usually easily identifiable in the sea of strangeness), or if you really think you can't fit in- go to a church that you feel comfortable. Trying to force yourself to be comfortable in an awkward place is just going to make you resent going to church.

5. Church is boring.- Um, not where I'm going to church! Here's a few examples of not-boring churches out there today:

http://www.newspring.cc/

http://www.newspring.org/

http://www.northpoint.org/

http://www.elevationchurch.org/

If you go to church and think it's boring, go to a place that's NOT boring. The great thing about church today is that there really is a flavor for everybody. It might take time, patience, and perseverance, but you will reap the benefits if you put in the effort.

Final Note:

Despite the tongue in cheek attitude of this post, in reality I am daily saddened by the view the world has of the church and the people that follow Christ. I love my church, and I love my Savior. I have experienced the joy of relationship with my Creator, and the joy that comes from serving and loving others. However, I am seeing more and more how the church is becoming so distracted by it's own people and problems, we are forgetting what God put us here to do. So much time and energy is put into debating theology and worship-style...and where in the Bible does it tell us what kind of music to play in church? Christ came to seek and save the lost, hurting, and empty of this world- I was one of them...but so often I am too content with walking by those who are now in the position I was once in. Our hearts should ache more- and that sorrow should lead us to action. But too often we are distracted by ourselves.

Top 10 of 2010 pt. 2

2010-12-24T10:44:00.000-08:00

6. NewSpring Church. I love my church. Joining NewSpring was easily the best decision I made in 2010. You should check it out.

7. Audrey Assad. Absolutely the most gorgeous voice out there right now, in my opinion. I'd heard her song Winter Snow on Chris Tomlin's Christmas album, but she only recently released her first independent album. She came to First Baptist, touring with Tenth Avenue North, and she was so sweet, down to earth, and fun. Her lyrics are as soulful and genuine as she is as a person. I highly recommend her! (I especially recommend her song "Restless")

8. Needtobreathe. This is a bit of a stretch, since I've really known about them for a while, but with their newest album, they went from a band I like to a band I love! Fabulous voices, very different style, not so "Christian music-y" (you know what I mean). I actually play their album in my classroom while the kids are working. They sing along to The Outsiders every time :) And for those of you who love them already- you should know there's a new live EP available for download on iTunes called Live Horses!

9. Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows pt. 1. Even if you aren't a huge fan of the first movies, I urge you to see this one. One of the things I like about J.K. Rowling is that as the Harry Potter series progressed, her writing grew with her readers. As Harry grew up, the books matured and became more focused, serious, and grave. I have gotten flack from time to time that these books support or encourage witchcraft- which is, in some ways, true. One of the things I love about the books is that Rowling makes it very clear that one must choose between good and evil- choosing not to choose is the same as siding with evil. All of this translates beautifully in the movie. One of my friends said, after watching it, that it was "like watching a grown-up movie." Meaning, you didn't feel like you were watching a movie based on children's literature. Which is very true. It is action-packed, filled with good, evil, and sorrow. There are very few light moments in this movie- much like the book it is based off of. You will get to the end of this movie about to jump out of your skin to see part two (due out next July)!

10. Greenville, SC. I love this city! My friend Ashley and I are obsessed with it! We went to the 10 year anniversary celebration of NewSpring Church and we stayed in downtown Greenville. Best. Weekend. Ever. Such a fantastic downtown! It has a really artsy vibe, a gorgeous park smack in the middle of downtown, lots of fun shopping, and fantastic restaurants. My favorite little coffee place is Coffee Underground- best latte I've ever had. Also, if you're a yogurt fan, check out the Blueberry Frog. Downtown Greenville also has great festivals, so you may want to check & see when one will be going on before you plan a trip. The other nice thing about Greenville is that it's so close to so many other things- there's really something for everyone. Amazing hiking at Jones Gap State Park and Ravencliff Falls, a fabulous outlet mall in Gaffney, and fun little small towns like Laurens and Anderson just a short drive away from the main city.

So that's it! My top ten of 2010!!

Top 10 of 2010 (pt. 1)

2010-12-23T06:21:00.000-08:00

So, last year I did a "Top 3 of 2009"- you can read that post here. This year, I'm doing a top 10 of 2010! This is a list of my favorite books/authors, movies, music, and whatever else that I discovered in 2010 that I deem amazing. The list is in no particular order- they're just the 10 best :) I'm publishing part one today, and I'll publish part two some time in the next few days (it was a little long to have all in one post). I've also added links to websites that will give you more info on these things.

Hope you enjoy it!

1. Donald Miller. Easily the best discovery I made in 2010. I've been told for years that I would like him, but I stubbornly avoided reading his books. Initially, I wasn't sure I liked his writing style- it almost feels like he's just sitting across the table from me in a coffee shop conversing about any and everything. His writing has a very journal-like quality to it that I wasn't used to. However, when his newest book Father Fiction came out, I was finally convinced I needed to give him a shot. Although my dad is the best dad I could ask for, there was still so much in this book that spoke to my heart and gave me greater understanding about what it's like for those growing up fatherless. (Truth be told, after reading it, I developed a bit of a crush on Don :) As a teacher, Father Fiction gave me a better grasp of what my students go through daily living without a dad. As a friend, it helped me understand my friends who battled through all those difficult and awkward growing-up experiences without a dad as a guide and guardian. After reading Father Fiction, I devoured Blue Like Jazz (his most famous writing, which is now being made into a movie), then A Million Miles in A Thousand Years, and I've been reading his blog religiously. The thing I love most about him is that he's remarkably intelligent and yet is still very down to earth- it's a fabulous combination. I desperately want to attend one of his writing conferences, but they're a little out of a teacher's budget- anyone feel like sponsoring me? :)

2. Skinny Pants. Seriously! These things really were an amazing discovery for me. I never really thought I could wear them because I've got curves and thought only girls that were just under 6 feet tall and right at 100 pounds could pull them off, but due to the coldness of this past winter, I bought them out of desperation. Originally, I was just wearing them during cold months, tucked inside of boots. However, I have branched out to other skinny pants- and now the vast majority of my pants are the skinny variety. They are extremely comfortable, keep their shape better than any other jeans I have, and make me feel skinny (which I didn't think was going to happen in such close-fitting jeans). I will point out that I'm talking about skinny jeans, NOT jeggings (a.k.a. denim leggings)! I'm not as big a fan of the jegging- they're basically denim tights and I don't really think girls should wear them unless their B.M.I. is 0.2%...which is not the case for me. The main thing I would recommend when trying skinny pants is getting ones that fit close, but don't fit tight around the lower calf/ankle area. I would also not recommend wearing the skinny style jeans if you are more of a pear shape. But, if you're fairly proportional- give them a shot, regardless of your size. You may be pleasantly surprised! Old Navy is having a huge sale on their jeans Dec. 26th & 27th. A great opportunity to try out skinny jeans for just $15! (P.S. Guys, I really don't have a problem with ya'll trying out skinny jeans too, but if you are wearing either jeggings or women's jeans please be prepared for pointing and laughing.)

3. Rick Riordan. Many of you are aware of my love for children's literature. This writer is one of my new favorites! I started off reading his Percy Jackson and the Olympians series, and I ended up reading every single book Rick Riordan has written. He has a writing style that is sort of a male counterpart to J.K. Rowling. I like the adventurous elements of his books, as well as his excellent character development, and the historical aspects of his books. His books are all based around ancient mythology, so it's been very educational reading! He has a new series called the Kane Chronicles, which is based around Egyptian mythology, and another series called The Heroes of Olympus, which melds Roman and Greek mythology- it also has many of the characters found in the Percy Jackson series. By the way, don't check out the Percy Jackson and the Lightening Thief movie- it's nothing like the book and very poorly done, in my opinion.

4. The Sing Off. I absolutely LOVE this series. It came out in 2009 right before Christmas and my parents and I spent an entire night watching the dvr-ed series! Nota totally deserved the win, by the way. This year it was even better! I love that this is a short series (just 5 episodes), and it's about real vocal performers. You're not forced to sit through painfully awkward audition episodes. If they're on the show, it's because they are very gifted artists. That makes it so much more fun to watch. However, Nicole Sherzinger, who is one of the judges, more than makes up for all the missing audition awkwardness. Every time she spoke I found myself averting my eyes and needing something to do with my hands... The other two judges, Ben Folds and Shawn Stockman (of Boyz 2 Men fame), are fantastic. They are very professional, know what they're talking about, and are not at all Simon Cowell-like when talking to the contestants. I was a huge fan of Street Corner Symphony this year (I was a little "cray-cray" about them, according to my mother). If you missed the series, you should definitely get caught up on hulu.

5. Jon Acuff. My pastor started talking about this hilarious book he'd been reading called Stuff Christians Like. After he spoke about it, one of my best friends began reading this book and constantly told me to "read this stinking book immediately!" One night she started reading some of the book out loud and I started laughing so hard I was crying. After that, I borrowed the book from her and found myself pulling it out and reading excerpts to any and everyone who would listen. He also has a blog by the same name (actually the blog came before the book), which I now read daily. It's really his observations on the silliness of Christians and how we really do have weird habits/traditions/quirks that are always true everywhere you go. My favorites are: Understanding how Metrosexual Your Worship Leader is (a handy guide); Surviving Church as a Single; Leg Dropping Elves (or the Real Meaning of Christmas); and The Jesus Juke

But just in case you were thinking he's all silly and no serious, you are very wrong. In fact, he started writing a series of more serious posts called "Serious Wednesdays" (obviously, these are published every Wednesday). The last 3 Serious Wednesday posts have made me cry- because of the insight and truth I've encountered in them. My recent favorite is The "R" Word. I read it at work, which actually turned out to be a bad idea because I was bawling at my desk when my students came back from P.E... But you should definitely check him out- again, you won't be sorry!

Okay folks, that's all for today! Stay tuned for part two! :)

2010

2010-12-21T13:47:00.000-08:00

2010. Possibly one of the most joy-filled and pain-filled years of my life. So much has changed- and yet none of those changes are particularly obvious to anyone but me. It has been a year of immense growth. A painful stretching of myself and my understanding of God. So what's different? What have I learned?

God doesn't change. I know that this is not a new concept- it's something that I've always known about God. But this year, more than any other in my life, has been one that has made me appreciate His constancy. The idea of Him being my Rock and my Fortress has never been so real, or so desperately needed as it has been this year. He stays the same. His love doesn't change. His goodness does not waver. For me, this year has been up and down, back and forth, high and low...and I have found myself clinging to His solid foundation.

I am dearly loved. By a God who allowed His son to be tortured for my rescue, by a family that cheers for me, by friends who would do anything for me. I know that this love has always been present, but when I was drowning in my circumstances- this love was the life-boat I needed to get through each moment. Thank you, dear ones, for your constant love. I have needed it more desperately this year than any other I have experienced.

Despite my many (many) faults, flaws, and failures, God has a plan for me. I'm not going to lie, this one is still very difficult for me to swallow. But it's the truth whether my heart believes it or not- and I tell myself that truth as much as possible so that hopefully, one day soon, I will be able to live daily in the joy and victory I've been given.

So, why am I telling you all of this? Maybe, through my story, you can find a little hope in your hard circumstances too. The truths that I have discovered this year are just as true for you- God is the only constant in life, you are dearly loved (maybe it doesn't feel like it- but you are), and our Father has a great plan for you.

Summer Musings...

2010-07-08T19:39:00.001-07:00

So, being that I have immense amounts of free time right now, I have plenty of time to ponder life's great questions. Not that I'm doing that- but I have time to if I want to! Anyway, here are some random things that I have discovered about myself this summer...

Donald Miller is my new favorite author. Seriously, why didn't I listen to all of those people who told me I would love him (sorry mom!)? So far I've read Father Fiction (amazing) and Blue Like Jazz (I laughed, I cried...I laughed again). I have no idea why I never read anything by him before. He's funny, honest, and really wants to live a life that honors God. And what I really like about him is rather than telling other people how they can get it together, he brings us along on his journey as he attempts to get it together. I've decided that if we lived on the same side of the country, and we had a means of meeting, we would definitely be friends.
After watching endless episodes of Ace of Cakes, I have decided I need to: learn to be a cake decorator, move to Baltimore, work at Charm City Cakes, be best friends with Mary Alice, and marry Geof (he's such a cutie! A dead pan, dry-humor kind of cute).
I love having time to have full and complete conversations with God any time of day. Usually at work I start talking to God about something, and then get distracted. When I get home from work I can't even put a complete sentence together, and I find I have the same problem at 5:30am- the time I usually wake up. I love being able to stop wherever I am, whatever I'm doing, and talk to God about concerns or discover things He's been trying to tell me for awhile.
I really, really, really want a dog. It's bad. And this is a problem because I don't have the money for one at all. I also want a bigger dog, which isn't exactly conducive to apartment living. Oh well, maybe one day...
I am a blessed girl. I have a Father in Heaven who loves me, and who pushes me to reach my potential and use my gifts for His glory. I have been blessed with amazing friends and family who love the Lord and teach me about Him every day. I have a comfortable and beautiful home- with working air conditioning!
I am again reminded that to whom much is given much is expected. I don't know exactly how that will look in my life in the future- but I definitely feel the Lord prodding me towards bigger and better things. And I am excited about the future.

I know this post is rather uninteresting, but that's all I can come up with now... All in all, summer is my favorite time of year. Warm weather, getting to sleep in, spending time with friends and loved ones, reading to my hearts content, these are a few of my favorite things... I will love it while I can, because the school year will be upon me before I can blink!

What I Won't Do

2010-05-09T11:05:00.000-07:00

Just in case you didn't know, I'm single. Meaning, not only am I not married, I'm not in a relationship at all. Now, this is not by choice. I didn't just wake up one day and say "being single works for me!". I want a relationship. I want to get married, maybe have a couple of kids, and celebrate Mother's Day as a mom and not just a daughter. However, as much as I want that, there is one thing that I just won't do. Compromise. I guess I really should say I will not compromise again. There was a time in my life where I definitely compromised my convictions just to stay in the wrong relationship- and I managed to ostracize a lot of people in the process. And the sad thing was, I always knew it was the wrong relationship- even in the best of times when all seemed peaceful. Satan really had me for awhile. He had me thinking that I couldn't live without this person. But God was just waiting to show me the abundant life I would have once I got rid of that person. I was never comfortable in the relationship because I knew God wasn't pleased with my choices, or the relationship as a whole. I am so thankful for that discomfort. As much as I hated it, I know now that that was God not giving up on me. Eventually, through the grace of the Father, I walked away from that relationship- and although it was possibly the most difficult and painful decision of my life, I am confident that it was the best decision I could have made. So, what have I learned from that? Here are a few things I took away:

The right man will never, ever, lead you to compromise on your convictions. God's not going to lead you to someone who leads you into sin. That doesn't mean that there won't be struggles in the relationship- especially struggles for purity. But it does mean that he will care enough about his relationship with you and respect your convictions enough to not lead you down a sinful path.
The right man will love Jesus and talk about that relationship more than he talks about any other. If he doesn't love Jesus, then my ability to respect him will be diminished, and therefore he is the wrong person for me. No one wants to be in a relationship where respect is not mutually and equally given.
The right man will not allow his decision-making to be ruled by emotions. Emotions are tricky things- and sometimes those emotions can lead us to say and do things we will later regret. If I'm in a relationship with a guy and I see that he is making all of his decisions based on how he feels at the moment- I know that he has a long way to go in the area of emotional maturity. I need to be willing to walk away and let God do His work on that guy before I get in the picture- because me standing there waiting on him will not speed up the process. It will slow it down.
I can not be the spiritual trend-setter. If he's not in love with Jesus, he's not going to take leadership in that relationship. It doesn't sound like that big of a deal- but what about when kids are in the picture and your moral standards don't match up? Or when you want to take the kids to church and their response is "but dad doesn't go"? Or when one of the kids is really sick and in the hospital- and the only one praying about it is you? It's a lonely and scary place to be, and I don't ever want to be the one setting the spiritual tone again.

Often I get overwhelmed and/or depressed because I know that guys of that caliber don't just grow on trees. Often I wonder if there are any left on the planet... But, I also know that God has plans for me. It's written in His word, and He promises to not forsake me. He's not going to see me in Heaven and say "crap, I forgot about that guy I was supposed to make for you!". If God has marriage for me, He has the right one for me. I don't ever want to feel like I'm settling for second-best because He promised me a life of abundance... not sloppy seconds. And although in the face of turning 30 and still being single it's hard for me to believe He hasn't forgotten me I must believe in His promises- He does have a pretty good record of keeping His promises so far.

Why Am I Here?

2010-04-28T14:35:00.000-07:00

Have you ever wondered "why am I here"? I do. Kind of a lot. I can actually get really frustrated with the (relative) simplicity of my life. I mean, not that I don't have issues and problems and drama, but in general, my life is pretty simple. I mean, I'm not married, I don't have kids, I don't have some glamorous job that takes me around the world, and I'm not really a drama queen so things stay pretty calm around me... I'm just a regular person. I often wonder how God uses me where I am- or even if He uses me. Like, am I really some necessary part of the Creator God's big picture? Even in the ministries I'm involved with, I'm generally a behind-the-scenes kinda girl. I can easily become very disenchanted with my life. I feel like it might not be exciting enough, or earth-shaking enough. We aren't all born to be Beth Moores or Francis Chans or Perry Nobles. So what in the world am I doing here??

Today, however, I got a new perspective. Today I read Zac's blog. To give you a little background on Zac, he works at NewSpring Church (my church), is probably a little older than me (maybe mid-thirties), and cancer is eating him alive. He is dying a very slow, very painful death. He has a beautiful wife and adorable children that he will not live to see grow up. Despite the pain of this situation, he (and his wife) looks for ways to glorify our God in this suffering. The first I heard of Zac's situation was from this video, played at NewSpring early this year. It absolutely broke my heart, and I will never forget it. What courage and strength it must have taken for him to talk so candidly about losing his battle with cancer. Not only to talk about it, but to choose to use his suffering to give glory to our Father. I don't know that I would have the strength to do that if I was in his situation...

Then today, I came across his blog. He wrote three blog posts early this month on the topic of navigating through suffering. One of the frustrations that he has dealt with through all of this is the question "why am I still here"? He's in massive amounts of pain. He has planned for his family's provision after his death. He is so ready to be with our Father in Heaven. So why is he still here suffering? His answer is simple- move forward in what God has called for him to do here, until He calls him home.

So, what does this have to do with me? In those moments where I wonder if I'm making any difference, if my life truly does have impact, I remember that if it didn't- it would be because I'm Home with my Father. As long as I'm here, He's using me. As Zac said in his blog, it's a simple shift in focus from "what should I be doing?" to "where does God have me?". I'm here because God placed me here- right where I am. I am called to move forward. To continue. And to trust what Philippians 1:6 says: There has never been the slightest doubt in my mind that the God who started this great work in you would keep at it and bring it to a flourishing finish on the very day Christ Jesus appears. He has promised to complete this work in me. And He's never broken a promise before.

Whitewashed Graves

2010-03-25T03:18:00.000-07:00

So, I'm reading through Matthew right now (pathetically, I made the plan to read through the entire New Testament at the beginning of the year, and I am currently about to finish Matthew...), and I've been struck by Jesus' attitude towards the Pharisees. If Jesus is the hero of the story (and He is), than the Pharisees are the evil characters. In fact, my pastor said just this past Sunday that anytime the NT says "and then the Pharisees said...", it should always be followed by an ominous "Dun-dun-DUHHH...." Jesus generally had some very harsh things to say to them. This was particularly the case in Matthew 23, where He really let them have it. As I read it, though, it struck me that the Pharisees most likely sincerely thought their way was the right way. Now, they were sincerely wrong, but they didn't know that. They took great pride in knowing and interpreting the law, and they didn't realize that what they were doing- this policing of the people- was not what God had called them to do.

Jesus refers to the Pharisees as "white-washed graves", meaning their exterior is clean and well-kept, but on the inside they are, well, messy. They had the appearance of knowing everything there was to know about God (and they probably believed that was actually true), but when confronted with Him face to face, they were so caught up in their own "acts of worship" that they totally missed Him. He didn't fit into their box.

At first, I would be tempted to roll my eyes and wonder how in the world they could be so caught up in themselves that they missed GOD...but then, I pause. How often am I just a white-washed grave? I'm one of those people who likes to appear as though I have it all together- and my biggest fear is being found out. Because, truth be told, I don't. Especially in my walk with the Lord. I battle for motivation to spend time with Him. I'm self-centered and prideful, prone to envy and lacking in self-control. But, when I walk through the doors of a church...when I volunteer my time and services...when I go about my daily life- I do my best to look like I've got it together. And often I achieve my goal... But, in so many ways, I'm a white-washed grave. Same as the Pharisees. Sincerely thinking I have it all figured out- and missing Christ in the process.

Truthfully, in the midst of all my busy serving, worshiping, and worrying... I just don't expect to see Him show up- which is crazy because isn't He the reason for all the serving and worshiping? Just like the Pharisees didn't expect Him to appear, riding on a donkey, hanging out with hookers and robbers- I don't really look for Him in the so-called "worshipful busyness" of my days. As I come to this realization, I am again confronted with my desperate, constant need for His grace. And I am so thankful for His Word- and how a passage I've read again and again can teach me exactly what I need to know for this time in my life.

I don't want to be a white-washed grave. I want to know Him, not just to serve Him for the sake of serving. I want to see Him when He's near me. To recognize His love and mercy, and in that love- go forward and serve others. Because, at the end of the day, that's what the Pharisees missed every time. Love.

Ephesians 3:17-19

Top 5 Ways NOT to Ask A Girl Out... And yes, I'm speaking from experience.

2010-03-07T16:11:00.000-08:00

So, I guess I always assumed guys just knew how to ask out girls... like it was an instinctual thing. However, the older I get, the more I realize some guys just don't know how to go about this conversation. I mean, I get it. It's intimidating to ask someone a question you're not really sure of the answer to. (Although, as a side note, if you're doing things correctly... you should feel pretty confident in her answer) It's not exactly an ego boost to be shot down. So, yeah, I get why guys are hesitant to ask out girls-- particularly face to face. However, I will say guys, if you want your success rate to go up, you're going to have to be willing to put yourself out there. It's just the truth. I'm always more likely to say yes if a guy says something like "I want to take you out on a date this weekend.." Girls like to be pursued. We really do. We don't want to pay for our dinner. We don't want to meet you at the restaurant (unless it's a blind date...which is a whole other blog). And we for sure don't want to be asked out via social networking sites... So, in an effort to help out the guys-- and because I'm for sure sick of being asked out like this. Here are the Top 5 Ways NOT to Ask A Girl Out (in no particular order):

Number One: Facebook. Yeah, this one's happened to me SEVERAL times. Including twice by Facebook CHAT. Seriously, if you have no other means of getting in touch with her, solve that problem before you solve the problem of getting her to go out with you-- because Facebook is really just unacceptable. It's also not really the way you need to get to know a girl either. I mean, the first couple of times you meet a girl, if you want to chat with her or exchange messages- fine. However, if FB is where your "relationship" happens- as in, that is the ONLY way you communicate- news flash: you don't have a relationship.
Number Two: Text Message. Yep. Had this one too. Again, nothing wrong with texting... However, if that where the majority of your conversation takes place, that's a problem. I mean, you have her phone number. Instead of texting, maybe, um... give her a call. She probably won't bite your head off. And if she does...well, stop calling. But don't take the coward's way out and ask her out by via "do u wanna get dinner l8tr? lol" It's not attractive. Trust me.
Number Three: Through a friend. i.e... talking to a girl's friend and asking the friend what your chances are of her going out with you. It's awkward for everyone involved. The friend is put in the awkward position of speaking for someone else, you feel awkward because you're putting your business out there, and it's awkward for the girl you want to ask out because her friend WILL tell her you asked (we are GIRLS. It's what we do.), so then she knows that you know that she knows...well, you get the idea. All in all, it's just easier to ask her and allow her to tell you what she thinks of you... cut the middle-man (or woman, ask the case may be).
Number Four: Not taking "no" for an answer. When a girl tells you no-- it does not mean try harder. It means move on. If you really feel like ya'll are meant for each other, she'll come around (I've seen it happen!). But she won't come around as long as you're hovering. Trust me. And in the meantime, you're spending a lot of time and emotional energy on someone who is very possibly the wrong person. Don't waste your life like that.
Number Five: The "non-ask out". No one likes to feel vulnerable to hurt. There is no more vulnerable place for a girl to be than that place where the two of you are acting like a couple, but there has been no "Define The Relationship" conversation. If you are already taking her out to dinner, going to parties together, etc... Be a man and just have the "I really like you and want to date you" conversation. Seriously. It's not fair for you to have all the benefits of a girlfriend with none of the commitment. And if you like her enough to take her all over town... you like her enough to ask her out. And if you don't like her enough to ask her out- stop messing with her mind and treating her emotions like gum on the bottom of your shoe. That's just mean.

The Body

2010-01-30T07:40:00.000-08:00

There are so many things I'd like to say in this post. So much has changed in such a short period of time. However, I will attempt keep this short and sweet-- and I'll try to keep the rambling to a minimum...

The Body of Christ. Without realizing it, I think I always assumed that The Body of Christ was the group of people who went to my church. We were the Body and we were all supposed to work together. If you didn't go to my church, you were part of a separate Body.

However, even when I believed The Body was basically comprised of the people in my own church, I knew in my mind what a backwards way this was of thinking. The Body of Christ is not limited to one building, or one style of worship, or one pastor. We, collectively, are ALL the Body of Christ. (See I Cor. 12)

I know that this is not exactly earth-shattering information for most of you. However, in the experiences I've had over the last two weeks, I've really gotten to know this truth at a level I've never experienced it in the past.

I left my church home of the last five years last week. It was hard. It was one of the most painful experiences of my entire life. The thing that was toughest to communicate to all of the "but WHY's"was the fact that I didn't leave for a tangible "reason". There was nothing specific I could point to and say "this is why". More than anything, I just knew that the Lord wanted me somewhere else- and He wasn't going to stop prodding until I was obedient.

So now, the girl who thought that "The Body" was made up of the people who went to her church, is going to another church-- a very different church than the one she previously attended. I am loving every minute of it. I'm challenged in entirely new ways, and I am thinking about doing things I never thought I'd consider-- missions, full-time ministry, leaping forward into the unknown...

But, does this mean that I am part of a new Body? That switching churches means I have switched loyalties? No. You see, First Baptist is just as much part of The Body as NewSpring Church is. Someone who loves First Baptist probably wouldn't love how they do things at NewSpring. And that is such good news! First Baptist can continue ministering to those people who love their style and structure, and for those people who prefer something different-- there are places like NewSpring, Columbia Church, or any other church in Columbia! We aren't in competition. The Body is not the building we worship in, the group of people we worship with, or the way in which we worship on Sunday mornings. We are ALL The Body- and we all come with the same message, just in different packages... And rather than moving forward with the perspective that we are in competition with one another, how much better would it be if we went forward realizing that we are all working together for the same goal?

I'm pretty sure I know how Christ would feel about it. My favorite passage in the entire Bible is the section where he is in the Garden of Gethsemane, He's about to die on a cross, and He prays for us. Read it. John 17:6-26

My Top 3 of 2009

2010-01-09T04:16:00.000-08:00

After reading a similar post on one of my favorite blogs, Andrew Peterson's The Rabbit Room, I have decided to post my top three movies, music, and books of 2009 :) Enjoy!

Movies:
Okay, so I really don't like to see movies in the theater... I can literally count on one hand the number of movies I actually went to a theater to see over the past year and usually it was because someone else wanted to go. So I bent my own rules a little to make this list. I would apologize, but it's my blog and I can do what I want to. So there. :)

Slumdog Millionaire: Yes, this movie was actually released in the theater in 2008, but I didn't see it until 2009. This movie truly forced me to get outside of myself and to see life through the eyes of another. Yes, it was achingly sad to watch, but as much as it broke my heart, it also gave me hope. It's one of those movies I couldn't stop thinking about days after I saw it. That, my friend, is the mark of a truly good movie.
Star Trek: Shocked? Yeah, me too. I went to see this movie with my parents over the summer and the only reason we went to it was because my dad wanted to see it (mom and I wanted to see Up). Truthfully, I like sci-fi type movies and tv shows, but usually these kinds of movies are poorly written and hastily thrown together (as in, all of the new Star Wars movies). I went in expecting to be bored and disappointed, but was more than a little surprised at how much I truly enjoyed this movie. It was funny (I mean laugh out loud funny), it didn't try to be an obnoxious tribute to the old movies, it was well-cast, and the plot was suspenseful and engaging.
Little Dorrit: This was really a mini-series done by BBC, but, as I said, I don't see movies in the theater and this was one movie I loved and wanted to see again so it's on the list :) Charles Dickens is one of my favorite authors, and this mini-series beautifully adapted one of his books. It tells the story of one girl, Amy Dorrit, and her experiences going from absolute poverty to riches. Charles Dickens always has the best characters... His good characters are so, so good and his evil characters are truly evil. There's so much color and emotion in his stories and I love the layers within his storytelling. He doesn't just tell one story, he tells the stories of all of the characters. Andrew Davies wrote the screenplay for this-- he is best known for his screenplay for BBC's Pride and Prejudice-- and he has yet again perfectly adapted a classic piece of literature.

Music:
Music was both an easier and more difficult category for me to complete. I feel like I almost need to have different musical categories and do a top three within each category-- but for the sake of time (and to prevent carpal tunnel), I have begrudgingly narrowed it down to three albums I just can't seem to stop listening to.

Waking Up (OneRepublic): All the Right Moves is seriously my new favorite song. I love the layers within their music-- the use of electronic sounds along with strings and pianos. The percussion hits hard and invokes an emotional response to the words being sung. A truly creative and fun album.
Armistice (MuteMath): I have a weakness for this band... They are SO much fun and I love, love, love, love this album. Armistice is my favorite song on the album, but I love that each song has it's own personality and message. There is truly a song for every mood, and that, in my mind, is a mark of a great album.
Prospekt's March (Coldplay EP): Okay, okay, so this album was actually released in 2008, but I didn't know it existed until 2009... It's Coldplay, so I can't not have it on my list. It's truly one of the best things my ears have listened to this year.
Honorable Mentions: Church Music (David Crowder Band); Ocean Eyes (Owl City); Danyew-- he's released 3 short EPs, and each of them is creative, beautiful, and heart-wrenching

Books:
I love books, but this past year has been difficult for me to be able to sit down and complete a book. Therefore, this list is not my best- but I'll do the best I can :)

Books 1 & 2 of The Wingfeather Saga by Andrew Peterson: I grabbed these books in October not really expecting much. Andrew Peterson is known for his song-writing and sometimes when singers (and actors, for that matter) try to cross over into novel-writers the results are a little sloppy. But these books truly, truly became one of my all-time favorite series. Peterson was able to write a story that integrated laugh-out-loud moments with moments that made me grab for the kleenex. I will say that this series is considered to be written for children, but no matter what age you are I promise you can't help but love them. Peterson has only written the first two in the series, and he is planning on five, so I am waiting impatiently for him to get writing on the next story. In the meantime, I am reading the first book in the series (On the Edge of the Dark Sea of Darkness) to my third graders right now and am loving watching them love these books too.
Same Kind of Different As Me by Ron Hall and Denver Moore: Don't read this book if you're not comfortable with being slapped in the face with your own selfishness and stereotypes. This is a memoir written by two men who are very unlikely friends. Ron is a multi-million dollar earning art dealer, and Denver spent most of his life homeless. The book is basically a series of vignettes telling about their lives, their spiritual journeys, and their friendship with one another. I don't know that any book has convicted me on my propensity to pre-judge and stereotype people more than this book. If you haven't read it yet, I strongly (strongly!) recommend that you do. It will break your heart in all the right ways.
The Voice New Testament: This modern Bible translation was one that I hesitated to put onto my blog-- mostly because people get a little bent out of shape when they hear the words "modern Bible translation". However, I absolutely love this translation. I find it easier to use than it's predecessor, The Message, mostly because the language is exquisite and poetic. This translation was completed by leaders of the emergent church movement (including Chris Seay, Lauren Winner, Brian McLaren, and many others). Each book has an introduction that is written to tell it's back story, but unlike many translations, it doesn't give you just the facts. Every introduction is written almost like a story or poem, and it gets you engaged in what you are about to read in a new way. I will say that I don't really recommend this translation if you are looking to do some heavy-duty hermeneutics with the scriptures. However, it's a great tool to use when trying to relate scripture to young people and to people who don't read the Bible very much and aren't used to it's language.

So, there it is! My top three of 2009... I'm looking forward to my new discoveries in 2010 :)

Choosing What is Better

2009-12-27T06:46:00.001-08:00

So after listening to approximately five sermons on Mary and Martha over the past year, all by different pastors, I figured God may be trying to tell me something. After much thought and reflection, here is what I learned from Martha and Mary...
In Luke 10:38-41, Jesus and his disciples go to visit the home of siblings Martha, Lazarus, and Mary. Martha, being the homeowner and hostess, immediately busies herself with all of the preparations a party and big meal require. Mary, meanwhile, is found sitting at the feet of Jesus. Martha is, of course, annoyed by this because she's over here slaving away and her sister is just sitting there making googly eyes at the rabbi! So, she walks up to Jesus and lets her frustration be known. "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do all the work? Tell her to help me!" In the past, I always read Jesus' response as "Martha, Martha (deep sigh of disappointment) you are over-busy, you have a bad attitude, and you should learn a little something from Mary's Godly example". I need to pause here for just a moment and tell you that Jesus' response always kind of annoyed me. I mean, Martha is doing what needs to be done! Reality is that if Martha wasn't working to get everything prepared, everyone would be hungry, frustrated, and blaming her poor organizational skills. So Martha lets it be known that she could use a little help and Jesus makes her feel bad about it! Okay, so maybe that's not exactly how it all went down, but that's the way I have always read it before.
Confession time. The reason I have always been annoyed by Jesus' response is because I really, really have a lot in common with Martha. I mean, I think we may be related. And I don't think there's anything wrong with being a doer like Martha! I mean, someone's got to take care of the details, right?
But after many, many, many sermons on this passage, I realized that maybe God wanted me to take a closer look (what can I say? I'm a little stubborn sometimes...). So here are two main things I realized about Martha (and myself).
First- Martha really just needed some affirmation that what she was doing was valuable. Clayton King of NewSpring Church pointed this out in a message I listened to today, and it really impacted me. The first thing Martha says to Jesus is "Lord, don't you care...?" After reading that, I realized that generally, that's what I say to Jesus when stressed, overwhelmed, and tired. "Hello up there? Don't you see I'm drowning here?!" Martha (like all women), just needed someone to acknowledge what she was going through. Jesus' response of "Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset by many things" is so true. Because in a woman's mind, if one thing's wrong it will set off an emotional chain-reaction. Women can get from "Man, I'm tired" to "NOBODY LOVES ME!" in about 5 seconds. And that was where Martha was. She was tired, overwhelmed, and upset that her sister wasn't helping (and probably jealous that Mary was doing what she wanted to do too). But from that seed of frustration she took an emotional journey to "Don't you CARE?!". Jesus' response of "Martha, Martha" was actually showing a great amount of care. In those times, to say someone's name twice was to show deep love and concern. Matthew Henry says in his commentary on this that to say her name twice was to "speak as one in earnest and deeply concerned for her welfare". Wow! He really does care-- even though we so often get upset about things that really aren't going to decide the fate of the universe. Jesus wasn't putting down Martha's hard work or her frustration about the situation, he was gently and lovingly pointing out that although dinner is important, there are so many other things that matter-- and her emotional outburst wasn't going to manipulate Him to rebuke Mary's decision to sit at His feet.
Which leads me to the second thing I realized... Maybe part of why Martha was admonished is because she was focusing on the wrong person. As a teacher, when I talk to a student about a behavior issue, many times the student's response is "But look at Johnny! What about him?!". Siblings often do that to each other too. I remember so many times when I was focused on what my brother was or was not doing, or on what he was or was not getting. The truth of the matter is that Jesus wants us to do what our parents always told us to do "take care of yourself-- let me worry about them". Even still, particularly in ministry, I allow Satan to rob my joy for serving others by redirecting my attention to the person who is not only not helping me, she is also getting all of the attention. Suddenly, I want a little attention too. A little "nice work Evie, we couldn't survive without you!". But Mary really did get it right-- because what she was doing was all about Jesus. Martha could have just as easily gotten it right too- not by stopping what she was doing and sitting at the feet of the rabbi, but by simply resting in what Jesus thinks about her ("Martha, Martha...") and continuing her work with a heart of a servant who has confidence in her rabbi's love for her (Jn. 11:5), instead of focusing on what her sister wasn't doing.
As I reflect on this passage, it feels like it was the theme of my year. I can almost hear the Father saying to me "Evangeline, Evangeline...". I have doubted, questioned, and argued. Dealt with inadequacy, fear, and insecurity. It's been possibly the biggest year-long spiritual battle I've ever been through-- and I have repeatedly questioned if He cared, or even if He was there at all. All along He has been whispering to me "Evangeline, Evangeline...". As I look forward to the upcoming year, it is my prayer that I can hold on to this lesson. There is really only one thing that is needed-- and I already have Him.
May we all choose what is better in 2010.

Do you like me? Check Yes or No.

2009-10-16T12:08:00.000-07:00

Note passed from one student to another in my class, intercepted by me:

I like you Amy I am just ask if you least one to be my girl friend this is coming from the heart I like you Amy this song is dedacatid to you look in to my eyes and try to feel my pain do you no how it feels in the rain each and someone is judging me and were I live and how I live on the streets.

** FYI: the student who he passed the note to was not named Amy-- apparently he didn't know her name... Not sure where the last couple of lines came from or what they had to do with her being his girlfriend, but apparently he thought it was important information.

Second attempt at note passed from student to same girl-- again intercepted by me:
I like you Amy will you be my girlfriend and I love you plus I will do your homework for you I love you so much you don't even know it I love I hope you Amy say is love you are hot so hot that I want to kiss you I just love you will like that because I love you have day.

**All spelling errors were corrected by me.. Trust me, this girl doesn't want him doing her homework, at least not his spelling homework!

Character

2009-09-13T06:26:00.000-07:00

Surely what a man does when he is taken off his guard is the best evidence for what sort of a man he is? Surely what pops out before the man has time to put on a disguise is the truth? If there are rats in a cellar you are most likely to see them if you go in very suddenly. But the suddenness does not create the rats: it only prevents them from hiding. In the same way the suddenness of the provocation does not make me an ill-tempered man: it only shows me what an ill-tempered man I am.

~C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity

A Way Out...

2009-08-11T05:37:00.000-07:00

I started a program with our youth group this week called "Read The Bible In 90 Days". The intention behind this idea is to give youth an opportunity to really see the scope, sequence, and themes of the Bible. Now, I've read the whole Bible before-- it's hard to avoid when you go to a Christian university. But it's been a very long time, and there's something different and special about reading it for my own pleasure vs. reading it for a school assignment. Yesterday was just the first day of the program, but immediately I was able to see the theme of the Word: "there's always a way out..." When I read the first 15 chapters of Genesis, I saw God seek out his sinful creation in the Garden of Eden right after they had eaten of the Tree of Knowledge. He prevented them from living forever in their sinful bodies by banishing them from the Garden before they ate of the Tree of Life. He destroyed the sinful earth, but he preserved it through Noah and his sons. He made a covenant that would save all the people of the earth through the line of Abram and Sarai. Often in the past when I have read the first few chapters of Genesis, I have been overwhelmed by all of the information coming at me (which is to be expected when thousands of years of history is told in less than 12 pages). It was hard to see the trees for the forest. But every time I look at the Word, either in parts or as a whole, I am still able to see a gracious God pursuing sinful people. Not just forgiving, pursuing! What an amazing God I serve. One that not only loves me enough to forgive me when I come to Him, He loves me so much He comes to find me.

Luke 15:4-7

What man among you, if he has a hundred sheep and has lost one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the open pasture to go after the one which is lost until he finds it?

And when he has found it, he lays it on his shoulders, rejoicing, and when he comes home, he calls together his friends and his neighbors, saying to them, "Rejoice with me, for I have found my sheep which was lost!" I tell you that in the same way, there will be more joy in heaven over one sinner who repents , than over ninety-nine righteous persons who need no repentance.

Foot Washing

2009-04-15T07:54:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about foot washing lately. These days, if you went up to someone and offered to wash their feet they'd probably think you were in school to be a pedicurist and overly eager to practice your new trade. So what does it mean to wash the feet of others when it's socially unacceptable to do this literally? As I read my Bible study this morning, it made the point that Jesus washed the feet of His disciples knowing who he was in the Father (John 13:3-5). Jesus was able to do this act of humility because He was confident in His identity in the Father-- He didn't need accolades or approval from anyone else. He also didn't do it because He saw Himself as lower than those around Him. So my question for myself is, how often do I truly wash the feet of others? How often do I realize that who I am in Christ is enough and behave with Godly humility? I think so many times I serve others because I'm looking for glory, approval, or because I see myself as less than they are. That's not humility. Doing the right thing for the wrong reasons makes it the wrong thing. Thank the Lord that He understands us and our stupid need to be recognized! Thank the Lord He revealed this to me-- and now, hopefully, I can truly and humbly wash the feet of those around me.

I am gentle, and humble in heart. (Matthew 11:29b)

My Biggest Fear...

2009-02-09T18:48:00.000-08:00

Okay, so you know in all of those fictional books where it talks about singles groups and the kinds of people in them? There's always a scary, socially awkward, older female character who is "in charge"of the group. Generally she walks around with a clipboard getting people to sign up for things, making sure snacks are provided, and basically coordinating humiliating activities that no one in their right minds would participate in (for example: Coffee and Christian Karaoke Night). That is honestly my biggest fear in life. I'm absolutely terrified of being "the crazy clipboard lady". I mean, seriously, I coordinate all of the events for my singles group and I definitely provide food on Sunday mornings! There's not much separating me from "crazy-singleforareason-clipboard-lady"! I mean, yes, I am younger (not for long), and yes, I have better style (thanks to InStyle Magazine), but what if all of that changes?? Please, as my friends, if you start to see my fears being realized-- do the kind thing and take away the clipboard.

Compromise

2009-01-18T11:44:00.000-08:00

Compromise. We all do it. There are so many situations every day that require us to compromise in one way or another. But what about the times you are tempted to compromise on your morals? What about those times when God’s timeline is different from the timeline you’ve set for yourself? Compromise is a natural part of life, and each life circumstance presents its own specific types of compromise. As a single person, the one area I see the most compromise in is relationships. I’m certainly not immune to the temptation, and have certainly had more times than I should in my life where I’ve given in. So I know firsthand the pain of choosing to compromise and realizing I’ve made the wrong decision. However, right now I have to be honest-- it’s really hard not to give in when I watch those around me compromise and seem to find happiness in their decisions.

For example, a friend of mine made the decision to enter into a relationship where she knew her choices were sinful and the guy was not someone who shared her beliefs or morals. I watch this person, that I know is doing the wrong things (and she knows it too), as she is blissfully happy in her choices right now. Mentally, I know that she made the decision to walk away from God’s best and one day she will feel the weight of her decision. However, the emotional part of me hurts because as I try so desperately hard to live a life without compromise, a friend chooses to compromise and is thrilled with her outcome. To be totally honest, I felt cheated. It hurts to know how hard I’m working to do the right thing, and see others get ahead by doing the wrong thing…

I find myself fighting between what I know and how I feel—and right now how I feel is usually winning. However, it is becoming increasingly clear to me that how I feel is being completely controlled by Satan. Of course he wants me frustrated, distracted, and angry. How can I serve God and feel this way? I can’t. That’s the point.

As I realize this, I’m learning more about myself and how I view myself in God’s eyes. Am I doing the right thing to live a life pleasing to my Savior, or am I doing the right things to get an earthly reward? It’s so easy in this world to see things with earthly eyes—to stay focused on what I get here, and to forget that my focus should be eternal. Yes, I see people compromising and happy, but I also know that those are houses built on sinking sand. Hopefully, I can remember that as I am daily tempted to compromise…

God has been teaching me two specific things during this time of growth… First, if my emotions are at war with what I know, I have to be able to continually combat how I feel with the truth of Scripture. It’s challenged me to memorize more Scripture so that I can quickly combat Satan’s lies with the truth of God’s promises. Secondly, although I can’t change my situation, I can still choose joy. I’m still in my same circumstances—single, stressed, and often overwhelmed by life. However, joy is not a result of where I am. Joy is a result of who I trust, and the hope that I find in remembering His promises to me daily. No matter how difficult life is, there is eternity to look forward to and that alone should give me cause to live joyfully…

For those of you who are tempted to compromise in relationships like I am, stay strong. Remember to run as hard and fast as you can towards our Father… One day, you will look next to you and find a partner who will run along side of you. Don’t be tempted to grab the hand of someone behind you and pull them along. Wait for a true partner… Strive to live a life focused on eternity without compromise…

Phil. 3:3-14

New Favorite Quote

2008-12-16T18:05:00.000-08:00

One of many favorites... This is from CS Lewis' book The Weight of Glory:

Giving Thanks...

2008-11-24T16:21:00.001-08:00

I have to say that the some of the best things that have ever happened to me are my friends. The Lord has truly blessed me with friends who love me for me, pray for me, challenge me, and motivate me to be the best person I can be. I know that not everyone has the chance to have relationships like I do, and I know that the Lord has called me to hold these people with open hands. But I love them dearly and thank the Lord for the chance to "do life" with these people.

Brothers and Sisters

2008-11-17T18:00:00.000-08:00

What does it mean for me to be a part of the family of Christ? Does it affect how I interact with others; how I treat them, how I listen to them, how I love them? These are questions that I have been working through over the past week as I watch people interact in the singles ministry I am involved in. Let's go ahead and state the obvious-- single people don't generally look at people of the opposite gender as "brothers or sisters". It's hard to find that balance between how God has called us to treat one another, and yet also look for someone who can be a true partner in our walks with the Lord. However, although it is hard, it is by no means impossible. I think so much of our "social drama" would be spared if we just treated each other with the same love, care, respect, and value that we should treat our biological family members. How should that look in a singles ministry? Well, for starters, it means we have to be willing to get over things. Just like in our true families, we have to let go and remember that we are family and we're stuck with each other! Letting go of past hurts, disappointments, and frustrations is an integral part of fellowship with other believers; and yet it is possibly the biggest breaking point in most churches and relationships among believers.
Boys, I'm gonna talk to you for a second... Stick with me! The girls will hear it too! Whenever you are interacting with (or looking at) a sister in Christ, are you being purposeful about considering her your sister? Think about the most important, valuable female in your life... Are you looking at and speaking to the girls around you with the same respect and care you would give that valuable female? If the answer is no, I encourage you to look at each woman you meet with the eyes of her Heavenly Father. To speak to each woman you meet with the respect and care you would give to your own mother or sister. Remember that, for many women, you are the example of a Godly man in their lives. So many girls are not lucky enough to have men in their lives who are godly or even safe. It is your responsibility to show them what a Godly man looks like and sounds like. Even in the times when those women disappoint you, reject you, or ignore you.
Okay girls, the boys had to hear it, so now here you go (I'm speaking to myself as well)! Ladies, think about the kind of girl you would like to see with your brother (or a deeply valued male in your life). Here's my question: are you that girl? Think about what she would look like, the things she would say, the places she would go... Often times I realize how much I fail to remember that I am a daughter of a King and I need to act like it! I also somewhere along the way realized that even though boys are often confusing and, well, sometimes inconsiderate, I needed to be patient with them and show them the grace that has been so lovingly and measurelessly poured upon me. It also means that I need to remember that sometimes things that I don't think matter that much (i.e. modesty) mean a lot in the Christian Walk of our brothers. As we interact with our brothers in the future, I hope that we each remember that we are the representation of Christian women in their lives. It is an important and holy task.
A final word: When Jesus was in the Garden of Gethsemane right before He died for us, He did not pray for his death to be painless, or for His own comforts. He prayed for us. Each of you. He asked for us to be unified-- One. As He and the Father are One... What can each of us do to work towards that unity that Jesus so desperately pled for? Can we treat each other differently knowing that as brothers and sisters, we are called to be one? It is my prayer that as we grow closer to the One who made us, we will grow as One in the fellowship of the church.

I'm blogging?!

2008-11-12T18:18:00.000-08:00

I have to say, it's surprising even to me that I am actually blogging; and yet I felt that I needed an outlet for all of the things that get lost in the craziness of life. I am learning that writing is by far the best way to process through thoughts, emotions, and circumstances. It's probably the biggest way I muddle through the things God is teaching me about myself and others. There is nothing particularly extraordinary about me, but it is my hope that through this blog others will be encouraged, challenged, and find commonality. I am excited to go back through this blog one day and see the work of the Father!